I dedicate this post to Amy Winehouse and all rebels who seek and can not find.
Folks, I love you.


In my country people tend to express what they feel directly. That’s why sellers are rude to you – because they have a hard life. Not many people hide their sufferings and struggles behind nice smiles. If they smile, they mean it. I feel sorry for Western countries like US where you have to feel good and be nice if you want to be accepted. I feel sorry for Asian countries where you can’t express anger in public. In both cases you learn how to be hypocrites and nothing more.

That’s why I think Western rebels and hooligans are true heroes. They face way more rejection of the society than people in Russia, for example. They are brave souls. And if you are one of them, let me shake your hand. And tell you something.

I was a good boy up until the 8th grade in school. I studied math, participated in scientific math conferences several years in a row and all was good. But then I switched classes and for a year and half studied with new students. There were six guys of us and 12 or 13 girls. Guys had one interesting hobby – to skip classes, go to the local forest , take a glue and a plastic bag and… you know… breath the glue in the plastic bags in and out. I did likewise. It’s not the best thing to do in life but not the worst either. The worst is that which damages your soul, spirit and heart. The glue gave me some experiences, hallucinations and fun but essentially I gained nothing.

I was constantly seeking. Seeking for the true. True relationships, first of all. Among me and the teachers, me and friends. Many try to find this something true in relationships with the opposite sex, drugs, alcohol, money, music, sleeping God knows where… I did not find it anywhere. Anywhere! I was lonely like hell and still am sometimes. But now it’s different. Why?

Because later on I have finally found what I was looking for. I found it that is true, real, filling my heart and all the inside. You heard about it but missed it because what you heard was not true. How funny is that – to hear about the true not true stories and so miss it. Epic fail. I am still in the beginning of the process of realizing it, embracing it, trying to figure it out and live by it, but I can surely say – it is GREAT. It is GRAND.

When you get tired of your attempts to find it, drop me an email, please.


  1. You are very right. Here in Canada the few people like myself who say what they mean are often misunderstood and labelled as weird or crazy. Do you know about Ilya Bryzgalov, the hockey player?? He is unafraid to speak his mind, but because we are not used to our athletes speaking anything other than boring clich?s people in the media will call him a lunatic.
    I would love to go to Russia one day, I am very excited and curious to see for myself how the Russian people are.

  2. Gerardo says:

    Hi Ivan :D

    As you say, it is a great relief to find “genuine” people who really mean what they say and how they feel, and don’t fake anything. Eventually, that kind of people will end up becoming one of the best.

    I’m kind of curious about what “it” means, I hope it is something good :), and I understand when you say that there are moments when you can’t find the answers to situations in life, and you end up feeling strange and confused.

    Nice blog by the way..Greetings from South America :D

  3. Deam,Ivan!how do you know this very good English if you live in Russia,what’s your technique?teach me english,i need him.

    You’re so freaking talented,go to Hollywood BTW.

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